When a friend’s birthday rolls around, it’s challenging to know exactly what to gift them. Should it be serious or silly? Extravagant or simple? For inside your holes or not for inside your holes? The real question is: Are you close enough with them to help them achieve orgasm? Take this quiz to see if your friend is prepared to find pleasure-enhancing products resting under the tissue paper.
1. How comfortable are you passing gas around her?
a. Once, you farted near her and claimed the sound was your shoe squeaking. It’s unlikely she believed you, but you were both comfortable with the artifice.
b. You’ve tooted while next to her and when she asked what smelled like eggs you begrudgingly admitted that you were the source. She laughed but it felt judgy.
c. While in each other’s presence, you both let it rip with fury while providing witty commentary on the showings.
2. How honest with her are you about the romantic partners in her life?
a. You keep out of it! She’s a grown woman; all that matters is how she feels.
b. You’ll usually wait to let her know you disapprove of her partners until after things have ended.
c. You both know that your brutal honesty about her dates, including the butt-stuff-only cheating, has helped her weed out some idiots.
3. It’s finally time for your weekly brunch date—how do you let her know that you’re running late?
a. You send a quick text to let her know and apologize. You’ll be there before she’s finished her first mimosa!
b. You don’t acknowledge it—she’s used to it by now, and will have a Bloody Mary ready for you when your slow ass arrives.
c. You’ve both accepted your chronic tardiness as a part of life and the standing “10:00 AM brunch date” begins at 11:00 now. Say nothing. We all know what happened.
4. You show up to her house with a bottle of the cheapest Pinot you could find. While she’s laying on the couch, muttering about her terrible week, would you be able to find the wine key in her kitchen?
a. No, and you wait until a pause in her story to ask for help locating it.
b. You rummage around in her junk drawer until you find it.
c. The wine key is actually in your pocket. Weird! You spend a lot of time here.
5. What’s the usual way your text conversations begin?
a. You start with a “Hey Girl”, or something else casual.
b. You just start talking, you don’t need formal greetings anymore!
c. You’re actually inside each other’s thoughts so this question is moot.
6. How much do you know about her sex life (including her solo work)?
a. You know when she’s dating someone, but you haven’t discussed dirty details in depth.
b. You know what she’s into, but that’s because she accidentally sexted you instead of “Tinder Matt 2” that one time.
c. If last summer’s two-week-long road trip didn’t familiarize you with her preferences, your constant aid in her sext message compositions have put the nail in that coffin.
Mostly As: You’re at the beginning stages of the friendship; a super phallic gift could potentially be the catalyst for something great or the beginning of a personal protection order against yourself. You can still help a girl out without going too big too fast—get her the travel-size pheromone perfume or baby wipes with a flowery name. You’ll get there!
Mostly Bs: Your friendship is so close, but don’t push it. Wrap up a bottle of coconut oil and wink knowingly. One day!
Mostly Cs: You’ve made it to the major leagues of friendship. This is the most fun level of gift-giving, so get personal. Are her energies out of whack? Go for a crystal dildo! Is she glamour incarnate? A shiny, buzzy tool will meet her needs perfectly. Aww, you guys are gross!
