There’s nothing like getting away from the city’s daily annoyances for a while. But if you’re hitting the slopes this winter, there’s a new threat to contend with: meet the mansledders. These slope-ruining ski bros will violate basic etiquette and be all up in your business, hogging the hills and domineering the double black diamonds. Here are some of the worst offenders:
Chris V., from Staten Island
Chris V. takes up an entire chairlift single-handedly, and he does not give a FUCK. “I’m not gonna sit like a chick, bro. I’m gonna sit how I wanna sit,” he laughs, before elbowing a family of four out of the way, hopping on the lift, and lying sideways. “I’m not even wearing skis, but these sky couches are so fucking fun!”
Matt B., from Long Island
Matt B. spreads out at the ski lodge’s cafeteria table, occupying up to three seats at a time. “It’s just more comfortable to sit this way,” he shrugs. “It’s not like I’m a jerk or anything, I’d definitely squish in if someone else wanted to sit. But my boys gotta breathe, y’know what I mean?” He takes a bite of his sandwich, adding, “My testicles are both boys.” Watch out for Matt!
Reid S., from Long Beach
Reid S. doesn’t bother with the right-of-way on the trail. “Look, I’m a bomb-ass skier,” he says, “I’m not waiting for a bunch of noobs ahead of me to crawl down the slope, I’m gonna scorch past their asses like a boss.” After a fifth consecutive run down the bunny slope, he whoops and adds, “I’m totally shredding the gnar!”
Paul J., from Long Branch, NJ
Paul J. stops repeatedly in the middle of the trail to take pictures. “Pics or it didn’t happen, am I right?” he asks, making a duck face and snapping a selfie. “It’s just so effing gorgeous out here, you gotta stop to appreciate it, y’know?” Paul flips the camera around and begins to take pictures of the scenery, when another skier rounds a turn and nearly crashes into him. “Go eff yourself, bro!” Paul shouts, flipping him the bird. He shakes his head. “Mother-effer ruined my panorama.” Good luck having any fun while fighting off your irritation to this Ansel Adams wannabe!
The Other Chris V., from Staten Island
This Chris V. is the first Chris V.’s best friend, but make no mistake: They’re both total mansledders! They first started hanging out in grade school when they realized they were both named Chris V., and the rest is history. This Chris V. likes to smoke on the ski lift. “They’re clove cigarettes, I don’t get what the big deal is,” he says, lighting one up. “I rolled them myself, and they’re aromatic as fuck.” He takes a drag. “I mean I could understand if I was like on shrooms or whatever.” He tries to blow a smoke ring, fails, but still smiles as if he actually made one. “The shrooms me and Chris V. took won’t kick in till we’re at the top, so it’s totally chill.”
Yikes. Keep an eye out for these and other mansledders, ladies, and don’t let them ruin your ski trip. Remind them of basic ski etiquette by telling them, “Dude…stop the sled, please.” Remember: If you see spreading, say spreading.