It’s hard to know whether a guy is into you, just a friend, or just trying to get you do join his global cause to end inequality and suffering. Does he send you roses, or just insist you put a rose emoji in all your social media bios? Does he just want to stay pals, or make you read Engels? Is he into your skills in the sack, or your praxis? Let’s decode his dude talk and find out if he thinks you’re hot, a cool hang, or he wants you to join the DSA!
- It’s your birthday next week! What does he say when you ask him to your party?
A. “How about you and I do something… together?”
B. “I’d love to!”
C. “We’re not actually a party at all, that’s a misconception, though one of our first initiatives is to push the Democrats more to the left. We have karaoke nights, though!”
- You make a joke, but flub the punchline. You’re left an awkward, gibbering mess as you try to explain it. How does he react?
A. “HAHAHAHA! It’s even funnier this way!”
B. “Heh. Yeah, I get it.”
C. “You want to hear a joke, how about this: Neoliberalism! OK, yeah, that’s actually not funny. And for two reasons. First because of the structure of the ‘joke’ but more importantly…”
- You caught the flu bug that was going around at work and are down for the count! What’s his comment on your Facebook post about it?
A. “I’ll be right over with soup!”
B. “Aw, that sucks! Feel better soon!”
C. “You’re sick and so is our ‘health care’ system! MEDICARE FOR ALL! Here’s this great article from Jacobin on the necessity of single payer and what we’re doing to make sure people get the coverage they need.
- Which is he more likely to say while gazing into your eyes?
A. “You’re a truly special person, a beautiful soul inside and out. You know that?”
B. “Thanks so much for watching my dog while I was away.”
C. “‘While there is a lower class, I am in it; and while there is a criminal element, I am of it; and while there is a soul in prison, I am not free.’ …That’s actually not me, that’s Eugene V. Debs. But it’s so true, isn’t it?”
- You playfully ask him about his thoughts on dialectical materialism and whether or not he believes in permanent revolution. He says:
A. “Wait, what? I thought you said you wanted to get tacos.”
B. “Oh. Uh… I think I learned about this in AP Government?”
C. “Well, we’re not calling for total immediate revolution, but still rejecting the basis that capitalism is a necessary basis of a free, democratic Western society. And a lot of celebrities are joining!”
Results:
MOSTLY A’s: Heyyyyy, he is INTO you, you sexy thing! Try flirting back and see what happens!
Mostly B’s: Ooo, looks like he’s just a friend, girl! But don’t be disappointed: you need good guy friends in your life. Try to make time both to hang solo and in a group. You’re going to have tons of fun!
Mostly C’s: Hellooooooo, Comrade! He really wants you… to stand in solidarity with the proletariat! Try going to at least one of their meetings, he’s not going to stop talking until you do. You have nothing to lose but your chains!
