It’s been many months since you’ve put on jeans – but now that it’s fall again, it is time to squeeze on that tight denim that is near impossible to squeeze on. Wow, those jeans are like a straightjacket for your legs! You may be asking yourself, “Have I gained weight or have I just forgotten what wearing actual pants is like?” Take this quiz to find out:
Has your weight changed?
- I have definitely gained around ten pounds in the last few months. I know that because I weighed myself.
- I haven’t technically gained any weight, but I am pretty sure these jeans are trying to cut off my circulation and kill me. Is this what wearing jeans is like?
Take a look in the mirror: do they actually fit?
- They are unable to button, which I think is a sign that I have gained weight and these pants literally do not fit.
- They are definitely ‘on’ my body, but it feels like my body is rejecting them because they are not cotton culottes?
Can you sit down without them ripping?
- No, I sat down and they ripped down the ass.
- Yes, but it feels like my heart is ripping open. So we’re just back to jeans? As if yoga pants never happened? These are leaving a mark on my stomach and I could’ve sworn that jeans didn’t do that. Wait…do they??
Be honest: how long has it been since you’ve worn these jeans?
- About three months.
- Three months, but it feels like centuries. You’re saying that I’m just supposed to like this feeling? That it was a totally normal thing I did in March? Was I insane? What kind of fucking quiz is this???
RESULTS:
Mostly As: It sounds like you’ve gained some weight, which is a natural part of being a person. We ebb, we flow. It may be your time of the month, or maybe your hormones are changing the numbers on the scale. Either way we’re obsessed with what you’ve got going on and we can’t wait to see you strut in your denim!
Mostly Bs: The results are in: you have forgotten what wearing real pants is like! You’ve been wearing high-waisted cloth pants for so long that when a fabric is touching your ass you feel like you’re getting murdered! While people are putting on jeans, just remember you don’t have to because, in the end, jeans are the patriarchy!
