You’ve gone through all the basic precautions and told your guests to bring their own flame-retardant jumpsuits, but you may be asking yourself, “Can I really hold a wedding that accentuates the charming, offbeat nature of me and my beau while still managing to prevent a disastrous fire during the ceremony, like what happened at Melissa’s wedding?” Believe it or not, the answer is a resounding “yes”! Here are a few ideas to keep your loved ones safe and burn-free while still maintaining a sense of creativity and carefully curated eccentricity.
In place of tealight candles on guests’ tables, scatter old coins instead.
This unique table setting is a surefire way to let your guests know you have been casually collecting currency that predates the Euro, and also that you aren’t afraid of thieves. Plus, the surfaces of the shinier coins might reflect just enough light from nearby cell phone glow to make your guests forget they are sitting in near darkness! It’s a small price to pay to prevent a random cousin from dragging her pashmina across the table and setting everything and everyone ablaze, like at Melissa’s wedding. We lost so many good bridesmaids that day.
Have your guests wave Slim Jims instead of sparklers for your big exit.
Does any rope-like food item say down-to-earth and accessible quite like a Slim Jim? We all know that sparklers make for a great photo op, but be honest, don’t you want people leaving your reception saying, “Wow, what a lovely and unique ceremony!” and “They sure seem in love, and also totally in tune with their own idiosyncratic brand?” The last thing you want to hear is hypercritical Uncle Lou saying, “Oh dear god, the inferno… the screams… my Jenny… I could have done more!” So forget about sparklers, and start swinging those meat sticks! Melissa is vegan, but she’d eat all the pork in the world if it meant not having 80 bodies’ worth of blood on her hands.
Consider hiring an acoustic band instead of a DJ with potentially shorted-out extension cords.
Weddings + electricity = impending disaster, at least for Melissa. Thinking of hiring a DJ? Or a band with electric instrumentation? You might as well murder your whole family with a hatchet and your bare hands! Where there are cords, there is electricity, and where there is electricity, there is inevitably a sea of flames, flickering and burning and consuming the wedding party. The only burn on the dance floor you should have to worry about is Aunt Lucy’s thigh chafing, so keep your reception “unplugged”!
Don’t get married.
There is, of course, only one way to guarantee the that your loved ones won’t become burn victims at your wedding, and that is to simply to not have one. The only safe wedding is one that does not occur, and pranking your loved ones with an invite to a wedding that never happens is probably one of the quirkiest things you can do as a bride! We’re sure Melissa would have gone with this option, given the chance. But of course, that’s not how time works.
