In the latest in queer appropriation out of Boulder, CO, 25-year-old rock climber Georgia Park is using a carabiner to latch onto secure holds along a rock face despite the fact that she isn’t even gay.
What the hell, Georgia? Get your own signaling mechanism. Carabiners are for our country’s great lesbians!
“When I saw her walking around with a carabiner, I thought to myself, ‘Here’s a cute, out-and-proud queer woman who knows how to communicate with her community!’” said onlooker Dana Firenze. “Then she walked right up to a rock face and started hooking herself to ropes. What’s going on here? Is she trying to be gay in the sky?”
Despite what the carabiner might imply about Georgia’s sexuality, she actually uses it to attach to anchors and place trad gear along the climbing route.
“Attaching her ‘carabiner’ to an ‘anchor’?” Dana continued, winking. “Yeah, I think I know what that means.”
Sources confirm there is no way Dana knows what that means.
“Oh, I didn’t realize this was a gay thing,” Georgia told reporters while suspended 20 feet in the air. “Sorry, a ‘queer thing’? Is that okay to say? I didn’t mean it!”
Fuck off, Georgia! You’ve already stolen enough queer valor today – there’s no need to steal being overly apologetic, too!
Georgia told reporters at the scene that she started her climbing journey with “top roping” but has recently flirted with the idea of “lead climbing.”
Uh, just call yourself a switch, babe!
Sources confirm despite her use of the carabiner, Georgia has never read Fun Home or seen the Broadway musical adaptation, which is not necessarily illegal of her but it is fucked up.
“And another thing!” Dana continued. “She was wearing her carabiner on the left, so I assumed she was a top, and then she put on this harness, so I was like, ‘Damn, she’s really doing this in public?’ Then she just hooked herself into these little rings and climbed further up the mountain. What the fuck, man! You’re sending crazy mixed messages!”
Sources report that the only “crazy mixed message” Georgia is sending is that she loves to rock climb.
“Listen, queer paraphernalia is not some kind of costume,” said GLAAD representative Tina Gunther. “I mean, sure, we made climbing gear into queer paraphernalia, but that’s beside the point! It’s ours now!”
At press time, Georgia agreed to stop hooking a carabiner to her pants when she wasn’t climbing, and Dana agreed to stop being such a huge bitch about it. Happy Pride!
