Nothing means more to Mom and Dad than your future wedding, which makes it a great opportunity to punish them with a non-traditional ceremony. There are a number of alternative weddings to explore, so you can choose the one that conflicts the most with their ideals – and their budget. By the end, your mother will be pleading, “why are you punishing me like this?” Remember, she deserves everything she gets.
1. The Polyamorous Wedding
In spite of his nasty drinking problem, your father always dreamed of walking you down the aisle: tell him to get in line! Polyamorous weddings undermine nearly every ideal your parents have about marriage, so this is a good one for the conservative, hypocritical parents who stifled you as a child. It may take some work to find more than one lover, but it will be worth it when your parents struggle to maintain a smile as you kiss the groom and the bride.
2. Cosplay Wedding
Since your parents never made an effort to meet your “weird” friends in high school, give them the perfect opportunity – at your cosplay-themed wedding! Cosplay (short for costumed play) weddings are great for making your parents question what they may have done wrong. Let them relish in the fact that the money they saved for your big day is paying for 300 adults dressed as cartoon characters to get drunk. Plus, your mother is guaranteed to wonder if this is all some kind of “sex thing.” Drop hints that it is.
3. A Multi-Multicultural Wedding
You and your future spouse appreciate all cultures – incorporating multiple cultural and ethnic traditions into your two-day ceremony guarantees that your parents will be physically and emotionally exhausted by long, costly rituals that mean nothing to them. Fly in a priest from Cambodia, and make sure the entire event is alcohol-free to prevent any attempt at coping. Make it clear that if they don’t participate in the West African dance ceremony, that you’ll be spiritually unprepared to have the grandchildren they’ve always wanted.
Already come from a non-Western background? Have your ceremony at Applebee’s.
4. Master/Slave Commitment Ceremony
Your mother always imagined that you’d marry a man who would take care of you, so do the exact opposite – have your own collaring ceremony for your personal sex slave. Nothing will make your mother more ashamed of the fruits of her womb like you lovingly explaining how you will be keeping your slave-lover’s penis in a locked chamber until he begs for your sweet release. This is especially great for Baby Boomer parents who will immediately blame themselves for what you’ve become.
5. Mermaid Wedding
A mermaid theme will bring some magic and wonder to your wedding, and will have your parents questioning whether they gave you appropriate reading material growing up. Create your own underwater paradise in the Five Star Banquet Hall, as your father carries you down the aisle.
And just remember: SMILE. The more joyful you are about the uniqueness of your wedding, the harder your mother will cry on your father’s shoulder as you’re whisked away to your honeymoon in their downstairs basement.