Jail Installs New Olympic-Sized Swimming Pool For Stanford Rapist

Following a controversial six-month sentence and a unanimous rape conviction, Santa Clara county jail officials announced construction on a massive, Olympic-sized swimming pool to make sure nothing gets in the way of Stanford rapist Brock Turner’s swimming career.


“In the end, everybody wins,” says Turner’s attorney, Mike Armstrong. “Justice is served, and our future US Olympic Swimming Team isn’t deprived of a young man who could very well be the next Michael Phelps.”


Michael Phelps is a former Olympic swimmer who won a record 22 medals and did not rape anybody.


The county jail does not have the same quality of facilities available to the Stanford swim team, but Armstrong insists, “That’s simply the price he’ll have to pay for his crimes.”


“Unfortunately, he is experiencing a great deal of stress right now,” said Judge Persky, of the college student found raping an unconscious woman behind a dumpster. “He’s faced enough already, and this is just an example of the justice system trying to make things right.”



The victim had no comment, because we did not reach out to her for one. This isn’t really about her.


CNN legal expert Jenna Tate called the developments “unsurprising,” adding, “If you’re gonna put young white criminal behind bars, sometimes the criminal ends up with a swimming pool. That’s just how things work in America.”


Santa Clara County District Attorney Jeff Rosen has signaled he will “vigorously appeal” Turner’s right to sauna time. Asks Rosen, “How much tragedy must this convicted felon endure?”