Does your relationship still have that “spark,” or are you just two dimly lit energy-saving spiral bulbs moving through space? The only way to know for sure is through the critical analysis of your stocking stuffers. Here are some super-practical little gifts that say, “I’m just in this until the holidays are over.”
Socks
Everyone knows that for any Christmas as an adult, socks are always the best gifts. From your mom or your little brother, socks say, “I know you need these.” From a significant other, though? They say, “I don’t even know who you are anymore.” There are ways this can be avoided – If the socks are of the lacy thigh-high, your relationship still has a chance. If you’re giving or receiving a pack of white ankle-length footwear staples, though—the sexy ship has sailed. Give up before you reach the slipper phase and can’t remember what sex feels like.
Floss
What used to be a cute reminder that you’re looking out for dental hygiene is now a “I’m tired of kissing a bacteria-infested cavern of nicotine residue and popcorn kernels.” If your man’s mouth looks like the bloody battle of Antietam after the dentist, this stocking stuffer is a surefire way to send the message that your relationship is more of a codependent healthcare routine at this point.
A Discounted Paperback
How To Win Friends and Influence People or How to Bow Out of This Relationship Before We Morph Into Blood Relatives? An almost best-selling memoir you picked up at Wal-Mart lets your loved one know their life needs major improvement and you’d rather they fix it through some generic advice and not your waning support.
Dandruff Shampoo
Sure, you can try to pass it off as that you just want him to be able to wear black shirts again but everyone will know that those snowflakes you drew on his face on the card aren’t as subtle as you intended.
Clinical-Strength Deodorant
‘Tis the season for all things spiced—including some sexy prescription-strength deodorant. Replenishing your partner’s supply is one thing, but acknowledging his undiagnosed perspiration disorder? Shit’s peaked. If you find a 48-hour lasting clinical strength overnight deodorant in your stocking, you’re lucky if your relationship lasts as long as that suspiciously powerful stick of antiperspirant.
Breathe-right Strips
Breathe-right Strips are the passive aggressor’s method of shouting: “I’m this close to sleeping in separate rooms.” Quit while you still have your hearing.
If you find yourself getting these gifts, you might want to ask yourself, “Do I actually have a future with this man?” Get sweet stuff or this relationship can get stuffed, right ladies?
