Stocking your bedside table with aphrodisiacs is a great way to manipulate your lover’s mood from the inside out. While most aphrodisiacs will help you get it on, these aphrodisiacs can also be used to tell him, “Kevin, this isn’t working out.” Breaking things off with someone is always an uncomfortable conversation, so try these simple aphrodisiacs on the one you’d like to cut all ties with:
Garlic and Onions
Garlic and onions are widely known for creating terrible breath, which makes them a perfect aphrodisiac for the one you’re not so sure about. Try swallowing a few cloves whole, like a horse pill, and eat an onion raw, as you would an apple. The dank bouquet emanating from your open, eager mouth will tell your partner that you are not only totally uninterested in sex, you’re not interested in them as a potential partner.
Tuna from the Can
Chunk tuna straight from the can is a classic homage to the more traditional aphrodisiac, oysters, which are strictly for couples who might just grow old together. Not you two! Opt for tuna in oil for a more fragrant ambience, and eat it with your hands from the can like a tired beast who’s completely given up. It’s both sensual and repulsive. Perfect for a couple on the verge of breaking up, but watch out for those razor-sharp can edges!
For you and your soon-to-be ex, curdled milk is both symbolic and literal (but mostly symbolic), because like your relationship, this milk is wayyyy past its expiration date! It’s best to circle the “Sell By” date on the carton so that your spouse can actually taste how long it’s been since you lost interest. But don’t wait too long, because it may turn into a fine cheese: an aphrodisiac that’d suit a couple with any chance of a future together.
When your spouse asks, “What are we having?” make sure to clearly say out loud, “Moist crackers.” Really enunciate the word “moist” to make sure it sounds extremely unappetizing. Douse the crackers in water before serving and ideally they should fall apart, like this whole mistake of a three-year relationship.
Room Temp Vodka
No other beverage clearly says, “Let’s not date anymore” than vodka the same temperature as your own saliva. Gargle the vodka loudly before swallowing to get the full effect of how bad your relationship tastes. Not only will your spouse question your motives, they’ll question if there was ever really something between you two to begin with. With luck, they’ll break it off so that you don’t have to. Salut!
These aphrodisiacs are sure to convey deep, passionate feelings of ambivalence to your special someone. After digesting each one, you’re sure to feel as distant from him as you’ve been fantasizing about!