We all remember those spooky menstruation stories from the compulsive liar at your friend’s slumber parties. Even though it’s been awhile since your first ride on the cotton pony, you can’t help but wonder: What if those myths were actually true? Could they happen to you? The answer is, terrifyingly, yes. Here are a few period myths that may terrorize you at any point in in your life when you least expect it:
Factory conditions can lead to sperm on tampons, which can impregnate you.
Even the Yahoo! Answers threads think this is baloney, but boy, are they wrong: Anyone who tells you that you can’t get pregnant while menstruating is simply ignorant to how easy it is for sperm to attach themselves to tampons when male factory workers touch their penis while peeing in the bathroom and have it on their hands before handling tampons. One day a sperm could just swim right up there and attach to your unsuspecting egg, and boom—a life of fatherless child-rearing. What would the baby look like, you ask? A tampon factory worker. Better use pads!
You will bleed more if you don’t floss.
This one is just plain science. Not flossing your teeth for a while makes blood shoot out of your gums, but that blood could also come out of your vagina. Basically, if you don’t floss your teeth, your whole body is more susceptible to bleeding. Some women are even quarantined in a bathroom for days because of the river of fluid they’ve sustained due to YEARS of not flossing. You can do it in front of the TV, so if you don’t like a heavy flow or cavities, you’d better find the time.
Some serial killers can sense when you’re menstruating.
You probably don’t often notice it, but serial killers are ALWAYS watching women to sniff out potential victims, and a lot of them have a sixth sense for finding women on their periods (their favorite victims). Some can smell it, while some might simply see a pad peaking out of your pocket on your way to the bathroom! So embarrassing! Trust us, keep your period under wraps, and don’t let anyone know your body is going through a natural monthly process, for Christ’s sake.
You could go into a fugue state and violently murder anyone who eats your mac and cheese.
It’s kind of surprising if this hasn’t happened yet, actually. Police reports show that over half of female-on-male domestic violence cases are caused by the man eating his partner’s mac and cheese during menstruation. Though you will find no evidence of it online, there is a legal precedent for using the PMS defense in court. To keep yourself out of prison, make sure he’s out of town before cooking up a pot of cramps-relieving Kraft.
Your period blood will turn blue if you enjoy sex too much.
Many of us have wondered why menstrual fluid is shown as blue liquid in feminine hygiene commercials. Well, it’s because each one of those women enjoyed sex way too much and were subsequently forced into humiliating their freak-ass selves in a national advertising campaign. This could happen to you if you choose to engage in a safe, intimate, and mutually enjoyable physical expression of love with your committed partner. Just err on the side of caution and don’t enjoy it. What will people think??
These may have freaked you out a little, but the more you know, right? Just make sure to accept whatever horrifying fate is coming your way, and remember: Any of these can’t be worse than someone knowing you’re on your period.
