Parents Discover Sperm Donor Wasn’t Vegan

Janet Lewis and Meryl Harper of Portland, Oregon were shocked to discover last month that their baby, Ayden, was conceived through a non-vegan, likely omnivorous sperm donor.


“We could tell something was wrong right when he came out of Meryl’s vagina,” says Lewis. “Something was up.” “Then it hit us,” tells Harper. “He had the look of someone who wasn’t vegetarian.


When they contacted the sperm bank it was confirmed that they’d accidentally received the sperm of donor 5698-C, instead of donor 5697-B, whose profile specified that he upheld a raw vegan lifestyle.



“When we decided to have a baby, we chose a sperm bank that specifically catered to prospective parents with strong holistic and spiritual values. We were so grateful to find a Harvard Graduate heading to Columbia Law who was also a vegan,” confessed Harper through tears. “And now it turns out the biological parent of our child is none of those things.”


The couple has found it difficult raising a child with carnivorous heritage. “He’s displayed a lust for animal products from the moment he was born,” says Lewis of Ayden, who continually drinks his mother’s milk despite its non-veg origins.


Since the discovery, Mr. and Mrs. Harper have decided to sue the sperm bank for malpractice. “Of course, we still love him. But it’s really hard to walk around with him in our liberal community. People stare.”


When asked to comment, Ayden chewed on his own hand, oblivious to the depravity of his natural instincts.