Originalist Dentist Defends Use of Leeches

woman dentist

After patients at the Midwestern dental office of Dr. Lucy Raimy Jarret claimed that her use of antiquated methods of dentistry is “cruel” and “barbaric”, Dr. Jarrett has responded that she’s a dental originalist, preferring methods pioneered by the nation’s first dentists to the modern tools and practices of today.


“I believe that dentistry, as it existed in 1776, is what people meant dentistry to be: treadle-operated drills, wooden dentures, and leeches,” said Jarrett, pushing back the frills on her antique dental bonnet. “Dentistry does not change over the times, and it’s not up to me to start using Novocaine, or fluoride, or electricity.”


Patients have described excruciating extractions whereby Dr. Jarrett braces her foot against the dental chair and pulls rotten teeth out with her a rusty plier. Those getting fillings instead of extractions have complained that Dr. Jarrett’s legs would tire from pumping the drill treadle, so a filling that might take 20 minutes today would take upwards of 3 ½ hours in her stiff cane chair.


New patient Barbara Cromlin wasn’t aware before her first appointment what the word ‘originalist’ meant.



“I thought it just meant she was the first dentist in town,” said Cromlin. “No. What it means is that I came in with a toothache and I’m leaving with a full mouth of wolf teeth. I think I’m going to try someone else next time.”


All of the patients interviewed for this article agreed that Dr. Jarrett’s use of leeches was the least effective of the treatments utilized.


“Are you kidding me, you’re going to put a leech in my open mouth so it can suck the juice out of a hole where my tooth used to be?” said Paul Mortzen, with his mouth pried open. “Get the fuck out of my mouth. I want my money back.”


“The leeches do good work, and so do I,” said Jarrett. “If you don’t like it, then too bad.”