Hey, Old Moms: It’s getting pretty obvious that you’re getting to be an old mom and not a new mom, and it’s not just your 13-year-old that’s making it obvious. Stop using these lame “old mom” phrases so that your kid’s friends will think you’re still a cool, new mom:
“Snappy”
These days a snappy dresser would be termed as “fly” or “fierce.” Before a dance, say something like “Honey, you look so fierce.”
“Old Hat”
This phrase doesn’t work anymore, as old hats are actually quite popular right now. Try saying something is “played out” or “whack.” For example: “No way, Aimee Mann is totally whack.”
“Showboating”
Say “flossing” instead. As in: “My son was straight up flossing his teeth after he did such a good job flossing this morning.”
“Flub the Dub”
Try saying FAIL more. All the kids say FAIL. You don’t need any context. When you see some one mess up, just say the word alone, loudly.
“Festooning”
Say that someone was “peacocking” their new watch instead.
“A Painted Woman”
It’s much easier to grasp if you just say, “that bitch is ratchet.”
“Typhoid Mary”
The last typhoid quarantine ended like 70 years ago. Try saying someone is “busted” (health-wise) or “nasty.”
“A Real Lobbygow’
Nobody knows what this means anymore. Just call this person your bitch instead.
