In an inspiring story out of Phoenix, AZ, no-nonsense 22-year-old Diya Mehta just submitted an assignment for her Intro to Psychology class, and is decidedly not sticking around for the entire digital confetti display.
“Yeah, the confetti was a nice thought two years ago,” Diya told reporters gathered at the scene. “But at this point, I don’t have time for your little celebration. I have places to be, like Youtube.”
Sources confirm Diya waited all of 0.003 seconds before closing the tab on the digital confetti and all of 1.5 seconds before forgetting about the assignment altogether.
She clearly did not care that a software engineer spent hours coding a full celebratory explosion, giving the confetti just enough weight that it felt realistic while maintaining an air of flamboyant whimsy.
“Wait, she just exited out right after it appeared?” said that very engineer, Vera Greene. “Oh, um, that’s fine. I’m sure she had a lot of things to get to.”
Sources confirm Diya did not.
“This world will convince you that you have to play along with pointless things or risk being a killjoy,” Diya continued, “But I’m here to tell you that you absolutely do not.”
She hopes to be a beacon of hope for people everywhere who simply do not have time for these games.
Diya had soon amassed a group of loyal supporters who could not be prouder of her for sticking up a metaphorical middle finger to the digital confetti industry.
“She’s an inspiration,” one such supporter, Justin Wilkins, told reporters. “I can’t count the number of times I’ve been guilted into sticking around for the entire confetti celebration, maybe even a digital firework display at the end, but not Diya. It’s as if she is not constrained by the typical social norms that govern us all. She’s lawless.”
Diya has started applying this “no-nonsense” outlook to the rest of her life. At press time, sources confirm she did not wait for people to finish singing “Happy Birthday” before she started eating the cake.
