In an inspiring story of frugality and perseverance, 24-year-old Emma Simons has saved hundreds – if not thousands – of dollars on groceries with one simple trick: Never buying groceries.
Awesome job, girl! That’s how you pinch pennies!
“I was spending a ton of money on unnecessary groceries like milk and eggs every week, so when it came time to cut my spending, I knew exactly where to look,” Emma explained to reporters gathered at the scene. “Now, I spend absolutely nothing on groceries simply by not getting groceries. Why isn’t everyone trying this easy money-saving hack?”
Rather than buying recipe ingredients every week and cooking elaborate meals at home, Emma has opted to eat every single meal out, then attempt to stretch that meal for two other meals.
“A bodega sandwich can actually last you three lunches if you only take four bites at a time,” she told reporters, who appeared extremely concerned. “Have I ever successfully done that? No. But I could! Imagine how cheap that would be!”
According to medical specialists, Emma’s body contains 400% of the recommended amount of sodium at any given time and only 3% of the recommended amount of protein.
“Everyone keeps telling me that grocery prices are rising and that it’s impossible for wages to keep up,” she continued. “And that sort of thing used to hit me really hard. Not anymore, though!”
She then did an impression of Matthew McConaughey in Daze and Confused to add, “The groceries keep getting higher, but takeout…. takeout always stays the same price.”
“I thought it was crazy at first, too, but I didn’t realize how much money she wasted on produce that went bad,” said Emma’s roommate, Demitri West. “I’m pretty sure she’s never eaten a head of broccoli or a box of strawberries to completion – our fridge is disgusting.”
Rather than smartly proportioning her groceries to make well-balanced meals, Emma has taken to cycling through different cuisines. For example, she orders Indian food every Monday, then pretends it’s going to last all week.
“Budgeting is actually really easy when you know the easy places to cut costs,” she continued. “And with all the extra time I have not going to the grocery store, I can focus on what really matters – finding a doctor who specializes in malnutrition.”
As of press time, reporters had compared Emma’s monthly spending to that of someone who did grocery shop and make her own food every day, and honestly, it was exactly the same. Nice work, girl!
