In a groundbreaking new scientific development, researchers at the Stanford Medical Institute have unveiled a new anti-aging procedure that cuts the shit and just straight up transfers your consciousness to Anne Hathaway.
Finally, a solution that addresses the core of the issue!
“We’ve already gone about as far as we can with anti-aging skincare,” Lead Researcher Dr. Tiana Werther told reporters from her lab. “From retinol to tretinoin, Vitamin C serums, and every moisturizer-sunscreen combo known to man, we’ve pretty much cracked every lotion we can, but it will never be enough. Nothing can make you Anne Hathaway.”
Dr. Werther’s patented procedure involves removing your consciousness from your body and simply inserting it into Anne Hathaway such that you can pilot her body around for a few hours every day, then disposing of your former vessel.
“It’s kind of like ‘The Substance’ but this one certainly will not end poorly,” Dr. Werther continued. “Sure, Anne isn’t exactly thrilled about the concept, but luckily we don’t need her to be fully on board to continue with the procedure.”
Doctors confirm this is a sure-fire way to prevent wrinkles, sun-spots, or other visible signs of aging.
“You look like shit – there’s no denying it – but luckily Anne Hathaway looks great!” Dr. Werther continued. “Let’s capitalize on that. Let’s get you in there.”
Sources confirm Anne Hathaway has somehow managed to age backwards since 2004, and no one else has been able to come anywhere close, even that guy who started using his son’s blood.
As far as what will happen once the procedure becomes more popular, doctors aren’t concerned.
“As the number of patients increases, your time piloting Anne Hathaway’s body will simply decrease proportionally,” Dr. Werther clarified. “But you’ll get what you get and you won’t get upset.”
When asked where a patient’s consciousness will “go,” per se, when they are not Anne Hathaway, doctors are unsure.
“We can’t exactly insert your consciousness into your old body, because it’s functionally dead, so you’ll be orbiting in a primordial soup-like subconsciousness until it’s your turn again,” Dr. Werther continued. “Anne will be in there most of the time.”
As of press time, Anne Hathaway filed a suit against the Stanford Medical Institute for breach of bodily autonomy, but no one appeared to care.
