My Soulmate Is Somewhere Out There, Learning How to Fuck Right

I’ve been dreaming about my wedding since I was six years old. I have every last detail planned out—the only thing I’m missing is my one true love. But I know my soulmate is waiting for me, too. He’s out there, somewhere, learning how to fuck right.


They say that you only find love when you stop looking for it. That’s why I totally support my future soulmate getting it on with a bunch of women, wherever he may be. By the time we finally meet, he’ll know exactly where my clit is. And until then, he’s somewhere out there, learning how to properly pound my G-spot until I come four times in a row.


Real love is joyful and easy. Right now, my soulmate is out there, making mistakes—and growing because of them. He’s trying to make incompatible relationships work, and he’s trying to do anal without enough lube. When we finally meet, he’ll have learned not to force it. And I will love him for that.


A lot of my friends lament that all the good guys are taken, and the only ones left are damaged beyond repair. But I find a little baggage attractive, especially if it’s a suitcase full of nipple clamps that he picked up from a dominatrix he met in Reno. I want him to share his variety of life experiences and make me feel things I’ve never felt before, deep in my soul. And deep against my cervix, because he’s the kind of guy who will know how to do that.


Of course, I’m not just sitting around idly waiting. While I do yearn for true love, I know the importance of being alone and learning about myself, too. “You cannot fuck someone else until you learn how to fuck yourself,” my Grandma always said. So I stay busy. Busy learning how to fuck right, too.



When my soulmate finally arrives to literally sweep me off my feet and rail me wheelbarrow-style, I’ll know myself well enough to tell him exactly how hard I want my hair pulled. It goes both ways—and so does my soulmate, right now, because he’s out there experimenting with men right now.


I know that finding love won’t solve all my problems. We all have holes we’re trying to fill. But with a little patience, a couple of them will get filled in ways more pleasurable than you could ever imagine, and that’s when I’ll know, it was worth the wait.