My New Year’s Resolution Is So Many Butts Please

At the start of a new year, it’s important to spend time reflecting on the past and making plans to better yourself in the months to come. The past year was difficult for me, but I’ve realized what I was missing: butts. After thinking long and hard, I decided that my new year’s resolution is so many butts, please. Can you help?


Last year, I was in a dark place. But I know that admitting my past failures is step one to changing my lifestyle. While I watched friends achieve so many butts throughout the year, I felt paralyzed, as if in a butt-less cave of depression. But as this new year dawns, I feel confident and determined to fill my life up with as many butts as I can. Please please, just tons of butts, please!


When I decided to work on seeing and touching more butts this year, it was easy enough to say my resolution in my head – but saying it and doing it was much harder. So, I did something vulnerable: I sent out an email to all my coworkers telling them to please keep me on track this year, as I search for dear god so, so many butts all the butts I can find dear god can you help me find more butts? Girl butts, boy butts, non-binary butts, even animal butts – this year, I’m taking anything butt-like that you put in front of me.



I know what you’re thinking: Yes, I’ve tried looking at my own butt over and over again, and no, it is not the same.


In order to make a resolution stick, it’s important to be specific. So in my case, I can’t just say “a lotta butts” this year. Instead, my resolution is to see at least 60 butts and if not that then somewhere close to that please. Do you have a butt I can see? Will you show it to me now, please? I really need this.


Studies show that only 8% of people achieve their New Year’s resolutions. But for me, failure is not an option. This is why I’ve decided to make this my sole resolution. I can deal with my shitty job, my flabby body and reading zero books as long as I’ve got access to butts on demand for the rest of my life, preferably all in a row so I can be like “wow that’s a lot of butts.” So if you or anyone you know has got one, please send them my way!