After being disappointed by the many ills of the western medical system and way of life for years, I decided to take my wellbeing into my own hands recently. By attempting to take control of my health, I feel like I’ve finally found a truly holistic solution to wellness: by exclusively focusing on my holes.
Paying attention to my holes and nothing else has completely turned my health around. Instead of always worrying about keeping my hands clean, dressing warm when it’s cold, and drinking eight cups of water a day, I now just make sure all my holes are clean and excreting the right things, which is actually so much easier!
I may have gotten COVID three distinct times, but I haven’t had a yeast infection in years!
When I tell people that my holistic approach has totally changed my life, they usually ask how I’ve been taking account of the physical, emotional, social, spiritual, and cognitive parts of my health, which always confuses me because I’m obviously only concerned about my mouth, nose, ears, vagina, urethra, asshole, and sometimes pores. What they don’t realize is that whatever stress or negative feelings I have are going to show up in a hole eventually, so I’ll just wait until my holes tell me what’s wrong.
Additionally, during the last doctor visit I had, my doctor told me that I really need to start taking medication for my “astoundingly messed up” cholesterol , but what she obviously didn’t understand is that “cholesterol” is just a word that refers to a concept I don’t even really grasp. Talk to me when you’ve given me a full colonoscopy, you shill.
So even though my mental health issues are worse than ever, I can (almost) rest easy knowing that every hole I have couldn’t be healthier, no matter how bad my anxiety gets about literally everything else!
I owe just about everything to my switch to my holistic health care approach, and I really couldn’t recommend it enough. Just don’t try to argue with me about what it means, because it’s obviously about the holes of the body, and I won’t be hearing anything different.
Take care of those holes, everyone!
