Like many women, I’ve long struggled with my weight. It’s so easy to compare ourselves to the models on billboards and magazines, but the fact of the matter is, everyone has a different natural weight. After poring over countless nutrition books and suffering through punishing exercise routines, I’ve finally realized that my lowest natural weight isn’t defined by the scale, it’s defined by my heart. I know that my healthiest weight will be when I can fit inside of a horse womb.
Isn’t it weird how radical it is to say something like that, as a woman? But it’s my truth, and more of us should feel comfortable telling it to the world.
Horses are nature’s most athletic animals, but would you be surprised to hear that the average horse weighs in at a whopping 1100 pounds? That’s a size 42 dress size. Yet horses embrace their natural build. Their heft allows them to thrive in ways that smaller, more svelte animals couldn’t possibly attempt. Being encased in the reproductive system of such a phenomenal creature would imbue that confidence to whoever was in there. It’ll take discipline, but I’ll know I’ve earned it when I’m finally able to nestle in just above a horse’s cooter.
When it comes to achieving this specific endeavor, some women swear by carrots and blocks of salt. In my experience, I’ve found that it’s simpler and more complicated than just what food you buy. While it’s obviously important to reach nutrition and fitness goals in the healthiest way possible, there are several pitfalls that can keep one from reaching their goal of fitting inside a horse womb:
Make sure it’s female.
Plenty of dieters have primed and entered perfectly good horses only to find out it doesn’t even have a womb. Do NOT make this rookie mistake! Make sure to choose a horse with pretty ribbons in its hair and no penis before starting your program.
Don’t pick a pony or miniature horse.
I’ve seen so many women sabotage themselves by picking a horse that’s way too small for their build. Don’t let all of your hard work go to waste; there’s nothing more devastating than reaching your goal and realizing it won’t last until your sister-in-law’s autumn wedding. Be realistic about your limits when it comes to choosing a goal horse.
Avoid getting attached to the horse.
There’s nothing like the thrill of finding a horse whose gooey womb will soon house your hard-earned, newly fit body, but remember: Having a human body shoved inside them takes a lot out of a horse. Rarely does a horse survive longer than 3-4 days after you’ve absorbed the nutrients from their placental folds, so don’t get too comfortable in there. You didn’t get to this point by being complacent!
At the end of the day, it’s more about how you feel than how you look. I’m confident I’ll feel slick and velvety on the outside and accomplished on the inside when I’m finally able to roll into the fetal position and tuck myself into a horse uterus. If you find yourself plateauing and struggling to stick to your diet, just remember: nothing tastes as good as fitting inside a horse’s womb feels.