In a genius, generation-defining story emerging from a coffee shop in San Diego, CA, 24-year-old Olivia Nguyen was eating a croissant the usual way – poorly – quickly finished it, then realized she was still hungry but lacked funds for a second croissant. Thus, she had the brilliant idea to take all of the crumbs on her shirt, combine them together, and make a second, smaller croissant out of thin goddamn air.
Wow! Is the Nobel Prize for Physics still accepting submissions? Does this count as physics?
“I’ve always lamented that so much of the croissant-eating process wastes the croissant itself,” Olivia told reporters from the impromptu press release station she created in the coffee shop, complete with a podium and video screens for visibility. “With every bite, perfect little bits of croissant go uneaten, discarded by way of the crumb. This was unacceptable to me.”
Sources confirm Olivia got the idea a couple minutes ago when she scarfed down her croissant only to realize she was still hungry.
“I wanted more, but I was simply out of money,” she continued. “I didn’t have another five, perhaps seven whole dollars – after tip – to spend on a second croissant, so I had to get down and dirty. My hunger was nowhere near sated, and I soon realized it was because 45% of my pastry was sitting there on my sweater instead of in my mouth.”
Olivia then recounted that she picked up a napkin, a paper plate, some glue, and got to work.
“The glue definitely made everything taste worse,” she continued. “But it was so integral to the process. The bits of lint from my sweater were regrettable, unavoidable additions. Thankfully, I emerged victorious.”
Olivia then showed reporters the second, smaller croissant she had assembled, which did – to her credit – look pretty much like a croissant.
“I took some liberties with the design while also paying homage to the traditional shape,” she continued, revealing that this croissant had no bottom to it due to material constraints. “I am confident this second, smaller croissant will pick up where the first, larger croissant left off and sate my hunger.”
As of press time, Olivia had eaten the second croissant and was in the process of taking the crumbs and reassembling a third, even smaller croissant from those remains. Reporters expect that this process will continue ad infinitum.
