In an unexpected report out of Derry, NH, it appears that your mom has launched a surprise giveaway of literally any item in the kitchen.
“You want this mayo?” asked your mom, gesturing toward a half-empty mayonnaise container in the fridge. “It’s still good.”
Your mom, who does this every time you come home for a weekend, went on to offer you several other food items that you don’t need or even like.
“You probably have room for these leftover crab rangoons in your bag,” she said, stuffing the nearly week-old takeout into a tupperware container. “I’ll throw in some of those duck sauce packets.”
Reports are also coming in that food is not the only thing that is up for grabs in your mom’s kitchen.
“I got half a bottle of that Bath and Body Works hand soap you like,” said your mom, citing preference you didn’t even know you had. “You need tampons? You need pens?”
“Take whatever you want, it’s all yours,” she added, growing increasingly desperate to give you items you don’t want.
Sources confirm that your dad is not a part of this orchestrated donation, nor does he have any say in what your mom offers you.
“I mean, the last time you were here, she gave you the bottle of whiskey I got for my graduation and have been saving for over 30 years,” said your dad. “Anything for my little girl, of course.”
“But I do feel like you don’t really need any of this stuff?” he added, accurately.
But your mom is not slowing down.
“Take some napkins, take this brie, take those olives,” she said. “Anything in the kitchen is yours.”
“I just don’t want you starving out there in the big city,” she added, confusingly.
