In a story out of Portland, OR, local mom Felicity Heron says she misses when her kids were at that cute age when they were entirely beholden to her godlike authority.
According to Felicity, her children are now six and eight and have started making decisions for themselves and – more notably – disagreeing with decisions she makes on their behalf.
“I really miss when they were super small and cute and didn’t yet have the mental or physical faculties to go against my wishes,” Felicity told reporters. “I miss when their will was mine, and my will was that of a mighty dictatorial being on high.”
Felicity added that she knew it was the beginning of the end once they learned to walk.
“They just grow up so fast,” she said, as she watched her six-year-old daughter Lea don an all-leopard outfit and proudly claim that she’s a leopard. “One day, you’re dressing them exactly how you want, in all the cute vintage Patagonia stuff you’ve collected over the years, and the next day…Well, the next day, they’re in a leopard phase.”
Sources claimed that – in addition to starting a family – the only reason Felicity wanted to have kids was to make decisions for other beings.
“Sure, Felicity has always wanted kids and has truly enjoyed watching them grow,” said Felicity’s mother, Pat. “But I know my daughter. That woman loves having people beholden to her, I’ll tell you that much. That’s why she misses when her kids were younger.”
Felicity completely disagreed with her mother’s statement.
“I don’t ‘love’ having people beholden to me!” she said, taking a break from convincing her eight-year-old Reese that green beans are actually good. “As a mom, you have to make decisions for your kids! Was it fun to wield my will over my children like some all-powerful god ruling over her mortal subjects? Obviously. But it’s not the only reason I miss when my kids were younger. It was also cute when they were just learning how to say ‘Mama.’”
However, Felicity told reporters that motherhood had only gotten harder since her children expanded their vocabulary beyond just “Mama.”
“These days, it’s all ‘No, mom’ or ‘I don’t want to, mom’ or ‘I’m going to wear all leopard print forever, mom,’” she said. “I miss the early days when I’d decide something for them and their only response would be something cute like complete silence because they hadn’t learn to speak yet. They were so adorable and governable at that age.”
At press time, Lea had finally agreed with her mom that leopard print was a fad and asked if she could finally wear that vintage Patagonia snowsuit that her mom had been saving for her.
“Motherhood still has its moments,” Felicity said in triumph. “Granted, it is July, but if she wants the snowsuit, she’ll get the snowsuit. God, I feel so omnipotent right now!”
