Following months of on-and-off dating, the man who has told you numerous times not to fall in love with him is now actively falling in love with you.
“He has told me before, after, and even during sex not to fall in love with him,” says the only witness to the event, who is you. “As far as I’m concerned, we are just casually dating. But now he keeps making eye contact with me, saying things like ‘Uh oh, I’m in trouble,’ and ‘Where did you come from?’”
“Don’t fall in love with me,” he solemnly whispered into your ear again as you were giving your statement to investigators.
Despite constantly telling you that he’s going to hurt you, this man has wrapped his body around your shin and is begging you to skip work and stay in bed with him.
“Girls always fall in love with me,” he told reporters in a press conference today. “So I don’t want her to get the wrong idea and get her feelings hurt. I’m trying to protect her.”
Following that selfless statement, he went home to smell the hat you left at his house and weep.
As far as investigators can tell, the man sees no contradictions between the words he says and his actions. He even went so far as to say, “I love you LOL I’m kidding, calm down,” multiple times yesterday.
This is not the first instance of mind-boggling romantic contradictions in the state or even the country. This event has triggered officials into declaring a national state of emergency for the epidemic of men being like, “Don’t fall in love with me, I’ll hurt you,” and then almost immediately being like, “Haha wouldn’t it be funny if we got married?”
Nothing is known yet about how you’re going to get out of this one.
