In a story of awe-inspiring resilience emerging from Manhattan, NY, 23-year-old Mike McFelder is walking on the sidewalk and sees an open space in which he could do push-ups, but he is currently using every ounce of his willpower to fight this urge.
“It’s tough when you see such a perfect spot to do pushups like that,” he told reporters gathered at the scene, where he had stopped to smoke a cigarette in order to take his mind off of the idea of doing push-ups right now. “It’s kind of a biological reflex. If there’s open space in a crowded area, I just need to show off my ability.”
Sources confirm doing pushups in a crowded area may have served an evolutionary purpose in ancient times, but now it comes off as kind of an insane thing to do in public. Mike doesn’t seem to realize this, though.
“Any time I’m in a crowded area and I see a guy taking up a ton of space on the sidewalk to do 100 pushups on the spot, I’m like, ‘Wow. What an apex predator of a guy,’” Mike continued, sweating with the effort not to drop to the floor right now. “But my girlfriend insists it’s weird, so I’m trying to kick the habit.”
When Mike and his girlfriend, Rebecca Kingsley, first started dating, she had no clue he was the type of guy who would do push-ups in public for no reason.
“I fell for him because, all things considered, he seemed way more normal than any other guy I’d dated,” she told reporters. “Then, he told me he sometimes does pushups in public and I was like, ‘Well, everybody’s got something.’”
A survey of a random sample of men confirms that 75% of the time, a dude is thinking about doing push-ups right now.
“Sometimes when my girlfriend is talking to me I’ll just zone out thinking about banging out 5-10 right there, really getting a good pump going,” said 24-year-old Brian Walker. “But then I have to remind myself that’s not what members of polite society do.”
“I have no clue why they think this is hot,” Rebecca continued, incredulous. “The only people who find it impressive are other guys. All I can think about is, ‘I can’t believe he’s touching the ground with his hands right now. Gross.’”
As of press time, Mike had unfortunately succumbed to the carnal urge to do push-ups right there. Rebecca, understandably, dumped him on the spot.
