Man Can Bike, But Can He Fuck?

Recent reports are indicating that the man who just biked past you is good at biking, but it’s not clear yet whether or not he can fuck.


The man appeared to be extremely fit, although there is little evidence that physical strength translates to the bedroom. In fact, studies show the opposite can be true: his fit body may result in him being exhausted at the end of the day, making you do all the hard work between the sheets.


Passersby were definitely curious as to whether the man can slap an ass as good as he can slap the pavement.


“He seems like he’s really good at riding that bike,” says pedestrian Nadia Golven. “He’s using all the right hand signals and everything. But how is he with his hands in the bedroom? And like, can he fuck?”


“He’s definitely paying attention to the traffic,” says Liz Crusto, another witness to the biking man. “He seems like a really confident biker, but does that mean he’s going to eat my pussy like it’s dinnertime? I’m not sure.”


Despite the curiosity of people on surrounding streets, the biker in question stayed focused on making it through a crowded intersection safely.


“Based on how he’s biking, I think he could be kind of mean in bed,” says Nadia Golven as a final reflection before returning to her office.


Although there’s no correlation between the way you bike and how well you can bonk, it’s hard not to imagine riding that dong when he’s riding that single-speed.


When reached for comment, the mysterious biking man identified himself as 29-year-old Mark Daniels.


“People are wondering if I’m good in bed too?” asked Mark, with a smile. “Trust me: I can bike and I can fuck.”


Sources confirm this probably means he absolutely cannot fuck. Mark’s ex-girlfriend, Chandrey Jones, confirms bikes can be deceiving.


“I thought he’d hold me like he holds those drop handlebars,” says Chandrey. “But no, it was mostly him getting from point A to point B as fast as possible.”



“What a bummer,” says Liz Crusto, before setting her sights on some dude in a leather jacket hopping on his motorcycle. “Oh, I bet he can fuck.”


Sources confirm: He can.