Are you sick of boring, cliché, soft-focus wedding photos of dumb couples kissing in fields? Are you determined to make a real splash with a shoot that’s totally unique, and totally fucking brutal? Catch on to this year’s wedding photography trend before any of your girlfriends by staging a big fucking murder scene! Here are some ideas to make this shit happen:
Murder in the Woods
Venue: Wooded space
Inspiration: True Detective
How-to: Rustic DIY crafts will really make this murder scene pop, so start collecting pinecones, bird’s nests, and animal horns ASAP! Don’t forget to stretch, since you’ll be holding contorted, naked positions for sustained periods of time. Family members can play a variety of fun roles here, from detectives to CSI to that creepy guy off in the corner watching everything go down from a safe distance — the perfect role for your husband-to-be! Just imagine your twisted corpse, strapped with antlers, surrounded by tea lights in mason jars … swoon! This shit will look fucked up!
Made Man and Wife
Venue: New Jersey Catering Hall
Inspiration: The Sopranos; Goodfellas
How-to: Take a cue from our nation’s favorite Mafiosos— you’ll want the brutal realism of a mafia hit to shine through in your wedding album. So stage the famiglia in a variety of realistic positions, like crying to the heavens, slumped over the Viennese pastry cart, or ratting on the phone to the feds. Pick your own bullet wounds carefully. While a gunshot to the forehead is an option that will draw attention to your eyes, the fake blood can also smear your makeup, which is also kind of fucked up and cool.
The Serial Monogamists
Venue: Classic New York hotel
Inspiration: American Psycho
How-to: Dismemberment never looked so elegant! From the extraordinary exterior to breathtaking ballroom, your venue provides an endless assortment of settings for a fucking hideous, tarp-lined crime scene. Want to see how bad it can get when an investment banker gets pushed just a little too far? Cue the murder spree! A nice added touch is the bridesmaid who died of a coke overdose before the carnage started. You’ll want to put plastic down for this one!
The “Put The Rings In The Basket Or It Gets The Hose Again”
Venue: Barn
Inspiration: Silence of the Lambs
How-to: Access a quaint, down-home Americana vibe with this skin-swapping theme that’s fun for the whole family! These photos will require a little post-production work, so when selecting a photographer, ask how well he/she can take Grandma’s face and realistically distort it so it looks like your cousin is wearing it like a mask. And if you’re lucky enough to have booked an authentic venue, be sure to make good use of it! Suspending yourself from the meat hooks in the rafters (safely!) is a dramatic way to see every inch of your special day.
With these easy-to-follow tips, you’ll be on your way to wedding photos that show off all of the intricate details of your day in ways your girlfriends could never have dreamed of! It’s a fucking murder scene!
