In an awe-inspiring story out of Wilmington, NC, 24-year-old Jackie Jameson has perfected a feat of illusion, transforming a 30-minute recipe that should have been relatively straightforward into a three-hour-long recipe that endangered her life several times.
You go, Jackie! Make it hard, somehow!
“I’m not much of a chef,” Jackie told reporters, making a hilarious understatement that everyone found quite amusing. “I decided to start small with cooking, just trying a four-step pasta dish that seemed impossible to fuck up.”
Impossible for some, maybe, but no “simple” recipe was a match for The Great Zhaqueline!
Fast forward three hours and Jackie has cut four of the five fingers on her right hand significantly, squished her thumb in the garlic press, and is in a generally terrible mood.
Throughout it all, though, she has remained determined to listen to a podcast.
“Did I leave the gas stove on – unlit – for about five minutes? Yes,” she told reporters while searching for more medical grade gauze. “Am I feeling a bit lightheaded?” Jackie passed out before answering this question.
Yet another display of masterful showmanship and control of suspense!
“Wait, did you say Jackie is trying to make a 30-minute meal?” her best friend, Leanne Wu, asked reporters when contacted for comment. Leanne then hung up and arrived at Jackie’s door within 10 minutes, out of breath and holding a tourniquet just in case.
This isn’t the first time Jackie has managed to transform an easy cooking task into a drawn-out medical emergency.
“She once tried to make a tofu scramble and vegetable stir fry to impress a date,” Leanne recounted. “By hour four of the process, Jackie realized she’d been boiling the tofu – not frying it – and the packaging was still on, creating a noxious gas.”
Step aside, Houdini! There’s a new master magician in town!
Given that Jackie manages to make simple meals into Odyssey-like tests of will and perseverance, scientists are concerned about what would happen if she ever attempted to cook a complex dish.
“We’ve crunched the numbers,” said Dr. Phoebe DeMarks from the Culinary Institute of America. “And it seems like if Jackie ever tried to flambé, julienne, or even broil something, the results would be catastrophic.”
At press time, Jackie had given up on making her pasta dish and instead turned her eye toward reheating last night’s leftovers. Last we heard from her, she had just put the tin foil packaging in the microwave.
