Look; It’s Either Me, or Her, or Her, or the Other One

Listen, Kevin: I’m done playing your games. It’s obvious that something’s going on, and after going through your phone, I finally understand what it is. You’ve been two-timing—well, no, actually three-timing me, possibly even four-timing. But whatever. All I know is, I’m done being four-timed. I need you to pick. It’s either HER, or ME, or one of the other two. And you’d better pick quick, cuz I’m about to walk out of your duplicitous life forever.


Which one of the four of us will it be?


This is all such a shock. I mean, I can’t believe you’d cheat on me with Carol. And Rebecca from Human Resources? AND JANET?! Are you kidding me? They’re total sl—actually, no, Rebecca’s a nice girl. I kind of understand where you’re coming from on that one. But regardless: it’s either HER or the OTHER ONE or ME! Oh, or the other other one. No, you can’t pick two of them together. It’s four distinct choices or nothing!


Ugh. I should’ve seen this coming when Janet had lunch the other day and she said, “Oh, I forgot to tell you that I’m having sex with Kevin now.” How could I have been so blind? When you told me that you didn’t want people to know about us, I thought you were just being professional. But now I see you were actually being very UN-professional in the business of love! So I’m putting my foot down. If you want me, it’s all me, baby! And ONLY me! None of this side-girl or side-side-girl! And definitely no side-side-side girls! I have too much self-respect to waste my time on a guy who’s messing with three other girls! Oh, so there’s more than three other girls? Well guess what? That changes nothing.



Pick one of the half-dozen of us, or you’ll never see my face again.


Seriously though—the chick with the missing finger who works at the coffee shop? What can she give you that I can’t?! I have ALL my fingers IF you haven’t noticed! You have to choose. I mean it. It’s either HER or HER or the OTHER ONE or THE WOMAN WHO LEFT THAT VOICEMAIL or ME! Nope, six distinct choices. You can’t just choose all five of them and not me. Yes, I am very aware that this is America, Kevin. You know what? I’m out of here. I have a little thing called self-respect. Maybe you should try it some time.


Let me just get my coat out of the closet and I’ll be on my—DAMMIT KEVIN, there’s another girl in here?!