Every Woman I’m into Is Either Straight or Busy Cutting My Hair

It’s frustrating out there for women looking to meet other women. Unlike our straight sisters, who are bombarded with a constant overflow of dick every time they so much as hint at feeling lonely, us queer ladies have a much bigger challenge. Especially in small towns like mine, where every lady I fall for is either completely heterosexual, or only interested in trimming my split ends because she’s a stylist I’ve paid to cut my hair.




Ever since middle school, I’ve had this horrible habit of crushing on unavailable women: my brothers’ girlfriends, my happily married teachers, and pretty much any woman who knows how to create a perfectly layered bob. I know, it’s slightly masochistic. Why do I do this to myself? Why don’t I just suck it up and join a lesbian dating site? I’ve heard some great success stories from my friends, but even then, it feels like they end up being straight or standing over me as I sit in a salon chair.



It’s seriously getting so old, this whole negative feedback loop of pining over women I can never have. My therapist thinks it’s because I’m afraid to actually let someone in, and that I use these impossible crushes as a way of distracting myself from dealing with my own issues. I think that’s true. Also one time I masturbated with the handle of a paddle brush. Who knows where this behavior came from. Regardless of what’s causing it, I just want this cliché straight-women-and-stylists-who-are-currently-cutting-my-hair obsession to stop.


I’m not ready to give up hope yet. Why should I push my feelings aside just because 99% of the responses I’ve gotten are “I have a boyfriend,” or, “You know I’m straight,” or, “(gently tilts my head back to center because I keep moving it).” Call me bold. Call me fearless. Call me a fool, if you must, but God as my witness, I will meet the woman of my dreams, despite all of these straights and hairdressers.



Don’t get me wrong, things aren’t all bad. I had a date with a nice attorney just a few weeks ago, but I just wasn’t feeling the spark. Maybe we didn’t have enough common interests. Maybe she gave me subconscious bad vibes. Maybe I just longed for the task of helplessly trying to gain her affections over the sound of a blow dryer. Who knows?


One of these days, I’ll find my intelligent, beautiful needle in the haystack. But that day isn’t today, because I have a hair appointment and I pretty much know how this is going to go. Today is but another day where I must sit back, take a few deep breaths, and let Jeanine touch up my roots without her noticing how turned on I am.