Lifelong Friends Celebrate 85 Years of Shitting On Susan

This past weekend, lifelong friends Sheila Malekzadeh and Cindy Halpern celebrated 85 years of shitting on Susan.


The two 100-year-olds met during their sophomore year of high school, where they quickly bonded over their shared hatred of Susan, a fellow student whom they both agreed was the worst.


“Cindy and I clicked as soon as we agreed on that,” says Malekzadeh. “I remember turning to her and saying, ‘Whoa, that chick sucks, right?’ and then I pointed at Susan, who at the time I think was vigorously taking notes even though it was only the first day of class. I mean what the fuck, right? Susan was just always doing the most.”


The lifelong friends have lived through tough historical times together. When they were born in 1917, women still didn’t have the right to vote. However, these BFF’s fondest memories have always been of their time together, when they stayed up all night talking about everything from their hopes and dreams to what the fuck Susan’s deal was; something they never managed to figure out no matter how frequently they mulled it over.


“I thank the Lord for Sheila,” says Halpern. “I don’t know who else I’d have been able to send 35 letters a day about whatever annoying thing Susan just said, and then messages on the answering machine, and eventually, 35 texts. Anyone else would’ve gotten sick of my constant bitching about Susan, but me and Sheila really had something special.”



Malekzadeh and Halpern both married and started their own families. Halpern joined the workforce during WWII making B-17 guns for bomber airplanes, and Malekzadeh tended a public Victory Garden. Throughout the chaos and instability of the war, only one thing remained clear for these two women: The bond they had formed over their pointless and deep-seated disdain for Susan.


Halpern still keeps a telegram Malekzadeh once sent her saying, “Alert. Susan engaged. Susan. Why Susan?” She keeps it in a drawer beside her bed, along with a faded black-and-white photograph of her and Malekzadeh in their hometown of Peoria, IL.


Malekzadeh and Halpern still speak to one another on the phone daily, mourn the deaths of their loved ones together and also visit Susan’s grave sometimes just to laugh at her headstone. As for their longevity, the women credit it to prayer, as well as their eternal feelings of superiority over Susan. What an incredible testament to friendship!