In a story emerging from your two-bedroom apartment in Midtown Manhattan, your landlord is currently unsure why you’re making such a big deal about the gaping hole in your floor that does – against all odds – lead directly to the Earth’s mantle.
“Every apartment has its strengths and its weaknesses,” your landlord Jack Whittaker said, apparently referring to the extremely dangerous hole as a “weakness” on par with a leaky faucet. “Plus, in the lease, it clearly states that I am not liable for any structural damage caused by the tenants.”
“How could we have possibly caused this?” you replied, gesturing to the hole, which appeared to be growing in size by the minute, much like a sinkhole in an Australian parking lot. “How could anything we’ve done have created a hole in the apartment floor that plunges straight through the Earth’s crust?”
According to Jack, you hosted an irresponsible dinner party.
Sources confirm that the hole does appear to reach 2,900 kilometers beneath the surface of our planet, which also happens to be the exact depth where the landlord’s responsibility starts, according to your lease.
“Unfortunately, I’m only responsible for repairing holes if they reach 2,901 kilometers or more,” he replied. “There’s nothing I can do about this hole, a mere 2,900 kilometers deep – my hands are tied by the state code.”
However, there is absolutely nothing written about this in the state code, as legislators probably didn’t think something like this could happen.
“It’s not even that big of a deal,” he continued, nonchalantly. “You can walk around it!”
Jack then made a very precarious leap from one side of the hole to the other – a harrowing four feet – mostly to get closer to the door so he could leave.
“Plus, I just fixed the oven,” he continued. “Now everything that’s broken in this apartment is my responsibility simply because it’s normal wear and tear?”
Legal experts say: yes.
Sources confirm Jack did fix the oven after about nine months of complaints and did not even give in after you contacted the authorities, who did nothing. The oven was only fixed once you and your roommate threatened to arm yourselves, but the “gaping hole” issue is clearly much worse.
After leaving without fixing the hole, Jack did contact you a week later, but only to raise the rent by another 15%. Apparently, the surface area of the hole counts as square footage!
