The news that your friend Jessica never had a UTI in her life has rocked the local community.
“I can’t believe she said she’s never had a UTI straight to my face,” said one friend, Rebecca Sanchez. “She’s never just gotten a random UTI after sex, or a hot tub, or just existing as a woman? And she thinks that’s just fair to everyone else?”
Local police say Jessica showed no remorse for so unabashedly rubbing her never-had-a-UTI-privilege in the face of all women.
“She seemed almost to be proud of her urinary tract health,” explained police chief Roberta Scollari. “We have a team of investigators on the case, attempting to uncover the truth. But if she really has never contracted a UTI, not even from having a wet bathing suit on for too long, then that’s an attack on everyone else.”
“I don’t think it’s that big a deal,” explains Jessica, completely and perpetually free of a UTI. “How is it a privilege that I can prance around, never worrying about a burning feeling coming from my downstairs while I’m on a job interview or a first date? I’m just like everyone else!”
But studies show that she is not like everyone else.
“Basically anyone with a vagina has had a UTI at least a ton of times in their life,” explains local scientist and sexual health expert, your friend Joan. “Anyone that has led a life full of vaginal health is honestly just bragging.”
Protesters have already gathered around her chanting, “IF YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE TO DRINK CRANBERRY JUICE AND TAKE THOSE PILLS THAT TURN YOUR PEE ORANGE, YOU DON’T KNOW PAIN!”
“Everybody keeps asking me why I’ve never had a UTI, but honestly, I just don’t know,” Jessica said in a press conference. “I guess I just try to eat right and pee after sex. It’s really not that hard, but I do have other struggles.”
No one in the community was interested in hearing about Jessica’s “other struggles” because they were obviously not that bad if her pee track never screams at her through the night.
At press time, Jessica still had never done anything wrong to her vagina ever, and just kept acting like it wasn’t a big deal.
