In spite of her new tattoo sleeve, San Francisco residents were devastated to find that local barista, Jessa Morgansen, remained as devastatingly boring as before.
Reports of Jessa’s lack of personality first surfaced when a coworker noticed her fridge and freezer were packed with sensible meals. Things escalated when he asked if she had any plans for the weekend, she responded, “Maybe a little gardening.”
Jessa’s mother notes that she even offered to pay for the tattoo herself, “just hoping it would make an impact.” Father Tom Morgansen, adds, “I mean, we named her Jessa – you’d think there’d be something there.”
Morgansen’s friends proved equally distraught by the news that there was not a glimmer of charisma or relatability within Morgansen – even with a classic, full-color sleeve on her arm. At a recent party, friend Sriram Sarkar reports that he was about to open a bottle of wine, to which Jessa said, “Maybe later.”
“There was never a ‘later,’” Sarkar explains. “Instead, she popped in her DVD of Gettysburg and fell asleep.”
Local tattoo artist, Steve Warner, created the intricate dragon design on Morgansen’s forearm. “I was so curious about her intention for the tattoo, but all she said was, ‘I’ve heard a lot about Game of Thrones.’ I asked her what she meant, and she said, ‘I think it’s a TV show.’”
Warner reports that he almost fell asleep when doing the tessellation of game birds on the back of Morgansen’s arm, due to her sudden interest in perfectly reciting the alphabet backwards.
At press time, Morgansen’s boss released a statement that, “We’re working through this difficult and boring time, and just hope the best for Jessa and her future.”
Morgansen excused herself from the briefing room, stating, “I have to go, Big Bang Theory is on.”