Non-mothers everywhere winced at the positive feedback when annoyingly fertile expecting mother Jennifer Barnes posted a “positive” pregnancy test photo, captioned “Oops!” last Thursday.
“That woman gets pregnant if you look at her funny,” says Lauren Spelling, angrily scrolling through the deluge of compliments. “What a jerk.”
According to her husband, Spelling and a group of friends — who at this point are fucking over it — periodically checked in on her status throughout the day to rip on the affection her friends had left for her.
“‘Congrats, Fertile Myrtle! Is this baby number five? You must have magical fertility powers!’” a comment left by Barnes’ friend Janine read.
“No, it’s number six, but who’s counting?” Spelling announced obnoxiously, like she’s some fertility goddess. “She only has sex like once a month, she doesn’t take vitamins and her husband smokes a ton of weed. What the hell is going on?”
She adds, “Her vagina and his semen are kind of just defying science at this point.”
Spelling, who has made an earnest, continuing effort to become pregnant over the past several years, has always expressed happiness for Barnes and her irritatingly sticky cervix.
“I’ve spent the past four years carefully taking steps to become pregnant such as, studying my ovulation cycles, having sex on my most fertile days and eating handfuls of zinc, folic acid and calcium,” laments Spelling. “Meanwhile, Barnes uses the shitter after her husband and poof, she’s eight months pregnant.”
At press time Barnes was unable to be reached for comment, after learning that she is fucking annoyingly expecting triplets this year.