Happy wedding season, everyone! It’s summer, you’re 30 and single, and ALL YOUR FRIENDS ARE GETTING MARRIED! And ALL your cousins. And your little sister?! Not you though. It’s cool, though! You’re so happy for everyone else that you are literally too distracted with happiness to think about the fact that you are all alone and have been for the last four-and-a-half fucking years. So, when the time comes and the nuptials are exchanged, how can you make sure your tears look like tears of joy? Follow these simple tips to ensure no one is onto you:
1. Do “The Cryle”: Smile When You Cry!
Everyone knows there is nothing more beautiful than a beautiful woman, with one glistening tear streaming down her cheek, smiling with her lips closed. This move says, “I’m so happy, I am smiling about this. And I’m extra happy, so the emotions are overflowing from my smile and I am also crying. And it has nothing to do with how alone I feel.”
2. Take a photo!
Most of the time when you cry (every single night), it’s alone, bundled up in the fetal position in bed, with your open laptop turned to your high school friend’s Facebook wedding album beside you, a bottle of Ambien on the night table, and the scent your cat’s litter box filling your room because you’re too depressed to change it and your cat hates you anyways. So, when you’re at the actual wedding, mix things up by doing something proactive, such as taking a photo. This shows that you’re not ashamed of your tears and hiding them—so they must be the good kind!
3. Say, “I’m so happy.”
When you move your lips and say the words, “I’m so happy for you guys,” out loud while crying, your tears appear to be the delicate marzipan flowers on the cake that is your happiness! No one has to know that the only “cake” you’ve experienced lately is the kind they sell for half-off at Safeway in the middle of the night when you’re alone, pretending you’re getting supplies for a cool party to which you’re arriving fashionably late, but really you’re just dying inside and a stale strawberry shortcake is the only thing that’s keeping you going right now and you really need to find a way to get professional help soon.
4. Do it during the father-daughter dance.
This is a slight variation on the theme—people might see you crying during the father/daughter dance and indeed think it’s because you’re sad. But! They’ll think you’re sad because your dad died or something, not because you would literally kill and bury your own father in exchange for a boyfriend to watch Netflix with you on a Saturday night.
Follow any or all of these tips and people will be sure you’re a well-adjusted, confident single woman, taking joy in the love of others. Just remember – after 20 minutes of any type of crying, you should probably head to the bathroom to “freshen up” and get a fucking grip on yourself before people start suspecting your true feelings.
