It Takes a Village to Eat My Ass

So many endeavors in life are simply not possible without the support of a close-knit community. And my own life is no exception. The incredible men and women who have my back have taught me so much, but I’ve come to learn one very important lesson in particular: No one can eat their own ass. In truth, it takes a village to eat my ass.


The path to my butthole is paved with the kind words and deeds of countless people who have taught me that there’s no “I” in “ass”. The careful attention of my proctologist has kept my bum healthy and spry. Without the gentle plumber whose deft hands repaired my bidet, my ass would be completely inedible. And my firm but warm-hearted therapist was the one who inspired me to stand up for myself and lean my ass all the way into the mouth of whomever deigns to eat it at that moment.


Madeleine Albright once said that there’s a special place in hell for women who refuse to help other women. In that case, I would be remiss to neglect the contributions of Sheila, the kind-eyed Walgreen’s clerk who sold me those feminine wipes I’ve grown so fond of, or Denise, the courageous waxer whose powerful hands stripped my poophole clean of unruly hair. These are just two of the remarkable women who have made it possible for the various eaters of my ass to spend hours chowing down at the Old Country Butt-fet. I don’t think it’s a stretch to call any of those people heroes.



Sometimes, when someone is tongue-fucking my asshole on the floor of my one-bedroom apartment, it’s easy to forget about the thousands of people around the world who have made it possible for me to be on the receiving end of safe, consensual, and mind-blowing analingus. But the road to getting one’s ass eaten is not a lonely one. It is a journey that has been undertaken by generations of men and women before me and will continue long after I am dead. No single person can get their ass licked up and down like a rapidly melting popsicle without the assistance of hundreds of others, and I am no exception. I am proud to say that it an entire village is eating my ass right now, and for that, I feel blessed.