Congratulations! You landed a total hunk whose throbbing member is pounding away inside you at this very moment. But how do you know if it’s okay to take things to the next level by putting your lips close to his? Here are some signs that your mouth is moving too fast, and you need to back off:
You’re wearing your backup lip-gloss.
You were in a hurry while getting ready for the date, and all you had on hand was this totally middle school cherry-flavored gloss that tastes like an old timey soda parlor exploded on your face. Not hot! Spare him the agony of making out with that mess. Direct your puckers downward, staying away from his face at all times. It’s okay because his dick can’t smell you.
You skipped your laser teeth whitening this month.
You only had enough cash for a Brazilian or a teeth whitening this month, and now you have to face the consequences. Do you really think that you’re intimate enough to put your mouth near his mouth while his penis is your vagina? Solve this problem by flipping over and burying your face in the pillow. Don’t try to rush this when you clearly aren’t ready.
You have face herpes.
He told you he has it too, along with his genital herpes, but it’s still super embarrassing. It was cute how he seemed so nervous at first (as if there was a chance you were gonna say no!). Bottom line: cold sores are MAJORLY unsightly. Do I need to remind you that you’re pushing 30, and your face looks blah enough on a good day? I didn’t think so. Put that mouth in a box and while you’re at it, avoid meaningful eye contact.
It’s not like you’re a cannibal. But it’s also not not like you’re a cannibal.
Are you tempted to just sink your teeth into his mouth, rip off his lower lip and squeeze every ounce of that fatty filling out like it’s shrimp cocktail? Who hasn’t been there!? But if you’re not the best at self-restraint, consider asking him to gag you with a pair of your panties instead—it’s a sexy move that leaves him feeling in control, and unaware that you would actually rather be kissing him on the mouth right now. Gross, I know.
Remember, just because his dick is inside you doesn’t mean you can’t blow your chances at a perfectly good relationship by grasping for a shard of genuine affection. Keep it tight, ladies! (Your lips, not your vagina.)
