Is That Mall Santa DTF, or Just Doing His Job?

The mall Santa has an undeniable appeal. He’s practically begging you to sit on him, with that twinkle in his eye, those rosy cheeks. Something tells you this guy is the real deal, and to you that means he’s really horny. But you’ve been duped before by men in his position (you’re still banned from your parent’s church) and you need to be 100% sure that the mall Santa is 100% DTF, and not just carrying out the basic tasks of his seasonal job by letting him sit on your lap and asking you what you want for Christmas.


Does he want you? Does he show it?

After waiting 45 minutes for some dumb kids who don’t need to get laid as badly as you, Santa waves you over and pats his lap. He TOTALLY wants you to sit on his lap. He even shouts to you, “Come sit on Santa’s lap!” There couldn’t possibly be a clearer signal that he wants you on him, besides the sign pointing towards his chair that says “Come sit on Santa’s lap!” He may have offered a handful of six-year-olds the same thing, but did he smile at them the way he’s smiling at you right now? Definitely not. He’s DTF.


Does he want to expand your sexual horizons?

You were too ashamed to mention bringing sex toys into the bedroom with your last boyfriend of three years, and this dude just found out your first name and is already asking what toys and other kinky shit you’d be into. Then he asks if you were naughty or nice this year and winks. The only time anyone ever winks is when they’re trying to flirt and hook up, or when they are a grandpa. This guy is probably not a grandpa yet, so you’ve got this in the bag. Good thing there’s a thick, black belt holding up his pants, otherwise he’d be dropping trou and boning you right in the middle of this strip mall.



Is he taking his time?

It’s been like three minutes and he hasn’t shoved you off his lap, despite the long line of children reaching the food court. If he wasn’t super into what was happening, he’d have motioned for the teen elf to lead you out of fake North Pole by now. Plus, he just made the first move to get a picture with you. Someone’s going to be expecting you to return the favor and text them a sexy pic later that night, and that someone is Mall Santa.


It’s pretty obvious that Mr. Claus of Willowbrook Mall is DTF, so ignore those dumb parents who are telling you he’s simply doing the minimum requirement of his job and to please get off his lap because it’s been almost 20 minutes now. This Santa will not only be coming, but also going to town (on you). Or we completely misunderstood that Christmas song and you’re about to get escorted out of the mall again.