Nothing says “sexy” like long, wavy strands on the head of a woman. That is, unless your ponytail is climbing its way off of your head and onto my own personal shoulder, where it does not belong. This simple, summer guide can help you determine whether those long locks are a sexy gift from heaven or my own personal hell.
Is it up in a bun?
Sexy points! Buns are very in right now, as long as it’s not a messy bun. Try a tight Black Swan-meets-Dance Moms look to ensure that not a single hair is ever on me. The higher and further away from my body the better. Even when I brush the hairs off, they come wisping right back. Are you not you noticing this? Don’t you see what you’re doing to me??
Is it casually strewn about all over the goddamn place?
If you can see your hair on both sides of your peripherals, you’ve lost control of that monster mane of yours. Do your social duty and invest in some hairspray. Nobody talks about the ozone anymore, which probably means we’ve fixed it, so spray away! If you really cared about the environment, you would recognize that you are currently creating a hostile one in which there is hair touching my arm.
Is it gracefully skimming your back or mine?
If your stream of curls is caressing the small of your back, you are rocking it! If those same ringlets are tickling my posterior, that’s unacceptable. My ability to forgive is very low when it feels like the dance of a thousand spiders on my epidermis. Seriously, invest in some scrunchies or bobby pins! Shave it clean off! I literally don’t care at all what happens to you now because you have put me through so much.
Are we in a torture chamber?
I don’t want to compare this to torture, but it’s exactly like torture. I promise I have no information to give you and even if I did, I can focus on nothing but your nine split ends violently harassing my person.
Are you dead?
That’s really the only excuse I would accept for your lack of awareness regarding your follicles. But I know you’re alive because you’re laughing and chatting right next to me, oblivious to the catastrophe surrounding you. Those cells on your head may be dead but your spatial awareness and basic courtesy doesn’t have to be!
So next time you go out in public with hair akimbo, be aware of the injury you’re doing to those around you. Because I’m tired of doing this dance with you. It’s 8:00 AM, do you know where your hair is? No! You don’t! Please, I just can’t take it anymore.