Is It a Dry Spell, or Were You Cursed By That Old Crone?

It’s been a while since you’ve gotten some, but could this situation be more ominous than you initially thought? You could be going through a typical dry spell, or you may have been cursed by the gnarled old woman who lives at the edge of town. Here’s how to tell if your love life is actually cursed, or just seems that way:


He Cancels on a Date Because His Entire Family Suddenly Died = CURSED

It’s happened time and time again. You’re about to go on a hot date with Mr. Perfect, and the night before he calls you and let’s you know his entire family has just perished in a freak house fire and can’t go out with you. Sure, it might sound like he’s making an excuse to go out with you and is part of your agonizing dry spell. But remember how just a few weeks before you hit that old woman who lives at the edge of the swamp with your car and kept driving? Yup. You’re cursed.


You Feel Emotionally Ready for a Relationship, but Nobody is Asking You Out = CURSED

You are so over your last relationship and have been “doing you” harder than ever. Yet it’s been weeks since you started loving yourself and literally no guys are asking for your number?! Girl, you should not have crossed that old woman by calling Animal Control on her for hoarding cats! She totally cursed you!



Your Crush Already Has a Girlfriend = CURSED

There’s nothing worse than finding out the guy who has been making your pulse race for weeks is already in a relationship with someone else. Sometimes it seems as if all guys—even the emotionally damaged ones you shouldn’t even be considering—are already seeing someone else. And while your friends might chalk it up to the fact that other women just beat you to the punch, just know that you were, in fact, jinxed by that old woman you bumped into with your shopping cart last Thursday. It is physically impossible that every guy you’re into could be so sought-after. Sorry. You cursed, girl.


No One in this Bar is Even Remotely Attractive = CURSED

So you’re looking around the room and every guy, including the bartender, is a Grade-D uggo. It could just not be your night, but more likely you were cursified by that old lady who was looking for her gold necklace and you said you hadn’t seen it but then she heard you snicker as she was walking away and knew you were wearing her family heirloom. Girl, you are cursed as fuck.


Relationships can be tricky, especially when you add old crone’s wicked revenge curses into the mix. Make sure you sleep with garlic under your pillow until the curse transfers to your eldest sister, and maybe you’ll be able to get a date!