In a heartening example of receiving prompt and helpful medical treatment, 28-year-old Chicago, IL local Ava Dearborn has finally been diagnosed with insomnia after admitting to staying up until 9 p.m. on a weeknight.
Phew! Thank God she’s getting that shit figured out!
“When Ava came in and explained that she was having sleep issues, we were planning on doing a full-fledged, exhaustive sleep study,” sleep specialist Dr. Melissa Garrot told reporters. “But when she told us that she had stayed up until 9 p.m. on a Wednesday, we’d gotten all the information we needed.”
Ava said she was relieved by the diagnosis.
“Being awake until 9 p.m. was definitely taking a toll on my mental health,” Ava told reporters. “If I had waited any longer, I definitely could’ve seen some long-term detrimental effects to my overall sleep patterns, like consistently getting only eight hours of sleep each night.”
Scary!
Sources close to Ava were also relieved that she was seeking treatment.
“I was so worried for her,” said Ava’s roommate, Nidia, who tucks herself into bed promptly at 4:30 p.m. every day, the exact moment the sun goes down. “Who knows how that situation might’ve devolved without medical intervention. She could’ve ended up staying up until an hour God never meant for humans to witness: 10:30 p.m.”
Nidia then had to excuse herself and take an impromptu nap to recover from the mere thought of being awake at that hour.
Sleep experts applauded Nidia for her healthy sleep habits and added that Ava’s case had actually reopened the age-old question of, “Should we be awake ever?”
“All signs point towards no,” Dr. Garrot told reporters, yawning and checking her watch. “Scientifically-speaking, we as humans were designed to be snug as a bug in a rug. Especially as we enter these colder months. If you’re not craving the warmth of your bed the minute the sun goes down, you should seek immediate medical attention.”
At press time, Ava had heeded the advice of medical professionals and had begun utilizing an eye mask, investing in blackout curtains, purchasing a brown-noise machine to have running at all hours of the day, and committing herself to ignoring her Teams notifications after sundown.
“I guess all I needed to do to get better sleep was block out annoying disturbances, like my boss asking me to do my job!”
Yes, prioritize your health first, girl!
