The statistics are devastating: 900,000 people are reported missing each year, and in this tumultuous world, it could happen to anyone. In New York City, where I live, a city of strangers, anyone you encounter could be a potential kidnapper or a kidnappee. It could happen to my loved ones, and it could most unfortunately happen to me.
Thus, I have one crucial note to my friends in family in the event that I am suspiciously declared missing. When you organize your search party and set about trying to find me, I humbly request that you please use this cute picture of me on the flyers.
The reasons for using this picture are manifold. First, it’s a clear shot of my face. Secondly, it’s a recent picture. Thirdly and most importantly, I looked really, really adorable at my cousin Danny’s wedding. I surprisingly fit into a dress I wore to a wedding three years prior, and my Aunt Diane was kind enough to spring for professional hair and makeup for all the female cousins. My eyes are glistening, my hair is in place, and I even look genuinely happy for Cousin Danny and that girl Judy. This one would look good on both landscape billboards and square milk cartons alike.
If flyers are posted around the city, or a Facebook post with my Missing Persons information goes viral, just remember how important it is to me that I look my best. As much as I appreciate any and all search efforts, I would be truly insulted if you circulated a picture of me in which I looked anything but my finest. I mean, it will be hard enough to bounce back after such a traumatic experience, and it would be even more traumatic to learn that a bad picture of me has been plastered all over New York City’s telephone poles. Even if you conducted the search party or paid the ransom or whatever, I don’t know if I could forgive you for that.
And if I’m dead, remember that this is what I would have wanted.
No, this is not being vain; this is me being practical. A beautiful picture would help the search effort. The media seems more inclined to cover and publish images of beautiful people. Just look at everyone on TV ever—they’re pretty! The supposed “ugly” characters on TV shows are just traditionally beautiful people who haven’t brushed their hair and maybe have glasses. And just look at Gone Girl: Rosamund Pike looked absolutely radiant on that billboard, so the Missouri townies especially wanted to find her. If you publicize a great picture of me, you’ll probably find me as fast as Ben Affleck’s dick appears on screen in that movie. If you use a bad picture of me, people will assume that I deserved to disappear or maybe had a hand in it because a girl like me wouldn’t want to be found.
So please. When I eventually get kidnapped, please use this picture. And just in case I don’t get kidnapped, you should still use this picture for something because it’s really great.