I’m Voting for Joe Biden Because I Want to Hate the President a Normal Amount

2020 is undoubtedly the most important election of our lifetimes. And for me, there’s no question: We must remove Donald Trump from office. In fact, I’ve never felt a more visceral, deep-seated hatred for a political figure in my entire life. And that’s why I’m voting for Joe Biden – because once he’s in the White House, I will have the privilege and honor of hating the President of the United States a normal, standard amount.


I don’t agree with Joe Biden on everything. In fact, from his hardline criminal justice record to his wishy-washy stance on fracking to his condescending dismissal of Medicare for All, I kind of don’t agree with Joe Biden on anything. But I disagree with him on everything in a way that doesn’t constantly make my blood boil, shave years off of my lifespan, and compel me to write self-righteous 500-word Facebook posts that change exactly zero minds. And for me? That’s the bar right now.


Currently, my political identity, my mental health, and even my sense of cosmic stability are predicated on the actions of a withering 74-year-old whose administration is always actively attempting to oppress marginalized people. All I want is the chance to elect a withering 77-year old whose administration oppresses marginalized people a typical American amount!


I’ve done the math: Joe Biden was my 17th choice in the primary. Right above Bloomberg and right below that sweaty bald guy with the disturbingly hot body. If Biden is president, I imagine feeling purely numb at best. And numb is a high I haven’t felt for as long as I can remember!


Look, hating the president is an American pastime. If I’m being totally real, they probably all deserve a military tribunal for their crimes against humanity, maybe excepting Jimmy Carter (who did like 40 years of community service to make up for whatever damage he did) and William Henry Harrison (who had the good sense to catch the bad vibes and dip early, babe!).



But there’s crimes against humanity, and then there’s, y’know, crimes against humanity. It’s one thing to quietly build the cages at the border — it’s another thing to lean into using the cages as your whole brand. You can say the quiet part loud, but, Jesus Christ, do you have to say the quiet part exclusively?


I have enough regular problems. My career is spiraling. My nutrition is terrible. The Harry Styles concert I bought tickets for in July 2019 keeps getting delayed. I don’t need “hyperventilating about the latest depravity of the moronic fascist ex-NBC mascot president” on top of it all.


But I can definitely fit in “calling my senator to insist the Climate Action Now Act doesn’t go far enough.” And that’s why Joe Biden is my candidate.