If Trump Becomes President, I’m Moving In With My Boyfriend

If Donald Trump is elected president this November, I will no longer feel safe in my own home. I will have no choice but to pack up and move to a place where the future is brighter—where I will be able to not just survive, but also thrive.


I will be forced to move all the way across town to my boyfriend’s place.


President Trump will implement policies that are reactionary and driven by fear. The violence that would inevitably stem from these policies would be nothing short of horrific. But if my boyfriend and I can spend all day lying around in the bed we share, it will be like the rest of the world doesn’t even exist. Good luck, America! I’m taking care of myself.


A Trump presidency will mean harsh immigration reform that will cost the federal government up to $600 billion. In the ten months we’ve been dating, my boyfriend and I have never discussed money— we just hang out a couple times a week and talk about television and have sex. Sure, we’ll have to figure out rent and bills if we move in together, but if we lose our jobs as a result of economic collapse, splitting one Netflix account will be easier on both of us. Hello, paradise!



As Commander-in-Chief, Trump will cut access to women’s healthcare and limit the choices we are able to make for our own bodies. You might think this will be a huge problem for me because my boyfriend’s apartment is a windowless basement unit with no chairs or room for a crib, but you’re wrong! If I decide to get an IUD while access to contraception is heavily regulated, I can get my boyfriend to help me insert it. Cohabitation is the most convenient option for DIY healthcare. Life hack much?


As 45th president, Donald Trump vows to build a wall along the Mexican border. No thank you! I’d much rather live with my boyfriend, which will break down barriers within our nation—specifically, the emotional ones between the two of us since we’ve never really talked about our future together. But I know he supports me! When I told him my plans to move in if Trump wins, he laughed and said, “I’m With Her,” while taking a bong rip. You see? He’s with me. The world’s too small for walls.


A Trump presidency could conceivably result in horrific civil war. But please, don’t bother trying to convince his supporters to change their vote. After all, I have a plan in a Trump-controlled America—and it’s a romantic dream come true!