I’m talking to you, Britney.
I’m so sad right now I could kill someone. Do you know why? Do you? I mean, you should know. But you don’t, so I’ll tell you, because I believe in emotional transparency.
There’s nothing unhealthy about sharing your feelings at someone. I am just so sad at you right now, Britney.
It’s bad enough that you responded “Interested” to the Facebook invite for my birthday weekend. That made me feel down, but not defeated. I still had a quivering hope that maybe you clicked it on accident, on account of not being used to Facebook’s event redesign just yet, and that you were definitely going to be there. But then not only did you not show up, you also posted pictures of yourself at Burn Yoga at the exact same time as the rest of us were at The Brunch Hammer, which is literally right next door. That made me really, really sad. So sad that I let a glass fall on the floor while I was staring out the window. Which I had to pay for—that made me even sadder.
I’m so fucking sad I could run my goddamn fist ever so lightly against a wall.
A week has gone by and I haven’t gotten an apology from you, or a gift, or an apology gift on top of the normal gift, which is just the interest you pay for not being a good friend. But what did I get? Nothing. Do you know how long I’ve cried my eyes out over this? How you’ve made me lose hope in humanity? Do you understand why I’ve taken that blue cashmere sweater you loaned me in December and used it for crying? That’s how sad you’ve made me. I told you not to make me sad—you wouldn’t like me when I’m sad.
I wish you would be my shoulder to cry on, then bite, then head-butt repeatedly until we both get kicked out of Paint N’ Sip for good.
Look, I know that Brian is my ex, but that doesn’t mean it’s okay for you to talk to him. It’s not okay. It makes me sad that you would think it is. All I’ve ever wanted was to be a good friend to you. But obviously that feeling isn’t mutual. The deep sadness reflected in my big teary eyes is nothing compared to the leaden sadness in my heart, which is now palpitating so quickly I feel like I could do something really crazy.
You did this. You made me this sad. I hope this destroys you.