If You Think That Murdering Is Okay, Please Unfriend Me

I believe in two things: that all people were created equally, and that murdering is not okay. Whether it’s my sister, brother, father, or mother, I have spent my entire life not murdering others.


There has been no compromise—I’ve never just straight up murdered them.


I’ve decided, beginning today, that if you’re ignorant enough to think that murdering is okay or if you’ve ever cold-bloodedly murdered someone like some kind of psycho, please unfriend me right now on facebook.com.


I’m not afraid to put my opinion out there, even if I’m murdered for it: If you’re one of the scores of people Facebook publicly advertises as my “friends” and you think that it’s okay to legit murder other human beings, go ahead and release me from the tyranny of our internet friendship. I will not be offended.


Murdering is wrong and hurtful, not mention illegal in all fifty states except Texas where they just make you take shots of Mezcal until you agree to arrest yourself.



Also, with modern technology, the chances of getting caught due to science are extremely high. I learned these facts from watching TV shows like Criminal Minds and CSI: Miami and if you disagree with them, please unfriend me, because I would rather we weren’t friends online at all than have to deal with your uninformed ideas about murder.


Sorry, but this is my opinion. If you believe that murdering is okay, I’m simply better off not sharing memories with you on any web page, let alone the web page for friends: facebook.com. Or if you post pro-murdering statuses about how you hate that it’s illegal to throw strangers into wet cement, or about how you wish everyday were The Purge so you could legally murder for 24 hours in a row, or about how you poisoned your neighbor’s milk supply, do it—unfriend me now. I promise I’ll be glad.


I mean, how can you be dumb enough to think that murdering is allowed? Who are you, Edward Cullen from the teen BDSM novel, Twilight? This isn’t the fifteenth century, when you could murder anyone and turn them into a vampire and people would just be, like, “sure.” It’s 2016, and murder isn’t okay anymore.


Seriously. How can you all be so ignorant?


I don’t want to insult anyone. I only want to focus on positive friendships that don’t end in murder. But I’m a strong believer that if murdering everyone is okay, then no one would be alive. And if no one is alive, how would I be writing this article right now?


You don’t have to agree with my logic. I won’t take it personally. But if you don’t—well, let’s go back to being friends IRL and just avoid talking about politics