I Was Hacked But All They Got Were 41 Pictures of This Butt Rash

Earlier this evening, my iPhone was hacked via my iCloud. And although I am very unsettled at the fact that someone has access to all the information on my phone, I have to say I am relieved that all they got were 41 pictures of this really awful butt rash that won’t go away.


Around 10 p.m., my phone’s network services were shut off and my access to Gmail, Facebook and iMessage were all suspended. I realized immediately and called my service provider. I was panicking, until I remembered that I actually haven’t taken a nude in three years and all that I had on there was 41 near-identical pictures of my right butt cheek and the weird red marks I’ve had on it since Wednesday.


My hacker knew what she or he was doing. It only took ten minutes for them to determine who my best friend was, that my mom lives in Georgia and that I have a pretty severe butt rash that needs immediate attention, which I have not gotten yet.


Soon after all my information was stolen, I got an alert on my phone that if I didn’t wire over $5000 by midnight, all my information would be released, sent to every contact in my Gmail and posted on my Facebook wall. Adrenaline pumped through me as I ran to my wallet to get my credit card. Then I remembered, oh yeah, all that’s on my iCloud are those ass shots I took in order to get a better sense of what was going on back there. And nothing about the pictures are sexy.


So I took a seat on my couch and turned on TV to relax, which proved difficult–not because I’m stressed about being hacked, but, because my butt is really irritated.



It’s 1 a.m. now, and my hacker has yet to post my revealing photos online. Although it would be unfortunate for me if my boss saw those, I am proud of myself for thinking through the situation instead of reacting out of fear. In the end, I think it actually would have been valuable to have these rash nudes posted on Facebook, because I desperately need to crowdsource for a doctor’s opinion ASAP.


To all the women out there living in fear that their iClouds may be hacked someday, just remember: butt rashes are normal, and taking dozens of pictures of them is also normal. But also, I really need a cream.