With Elon Musk’s recent acquisition of Twitter and the platform’s general descent into madness, I’ve been doing my best to stop using it and pivot to other apps. I found that I could spread most of my social media usage across platforms like Instagram, Tiktok, and LinkedIn without feeling like I’m missing out on much, but there’s been one specific Twitter hole that other social medias have been unable to fill. Unfortunately, there’s nowhere else I can say that I want Jacob Elordi to put me in his purse.
In the immediate days after my Twitter hiatus, I didn’t feel all that different. That is, until I saw press pictures from Jacob Elordi’s turn as Elvis in Sofia Coppola’s new film Priscilla and damn near lost my mind. There was only one thing I wanted to do, and it was the only thing unavailable to me: get on Twitter and tell my 327 followers that I wish for this tall, strong Australian to put me – a mere mortal – in his tiny little purse and carry me around like a pet mouse or baby cat.
Determined not to cave, I looked for other places where I could post this sentiment. I made an Instagram story saying I wanted sweet Jacob to put me in his purse, but the responses I got were at best sympathetic and at worst disgusted. This was not the place to find fellow Jacob-purse-heads. This was not the place for whimsy.
Next, I tried LinkedIn, posting a professional status that read, “I am proud to announce that I have started a new career at being inside Jacob Elordi’s purse.” I’m pretty sure no one actually read the post, because all of the comments said, “Congrats!” and “So excited to watch you thrive in this role!” Plus, 17 of my professional connections “celebrate” reacted to it. Where was stan LinkedIn? I was itching with the desire to be seen, and it appeared that no platform except Twitter could give this to me.
After fighting my internal demons for about 10 hours, I decided I had to tweet that I want Mr. Elordi to place me in his purse receptacle. My audience immediately understood and liked the tweet judiciously. Five likes and one retweet later, I knew I was home, among the people who loved me unconditionally and despite my flaws, such as being too big for Jacob Elordi to put me in his purse.
